If you do not breathe through writing, if you do not cry out in writing, or sing in writing, then don't write, because our culture has no use for it.
Anais Nin
This one is an extract from something I wrote a long time ago and I just came across it whilst digging through my lappy!
The silence
of being alone can be deafening, thoughts gain access to the volume knob of my mind
and day by day the decibel increases, the sounds constantly ringing in my head.
I learnt to perfect my smile; I learnt to perfect my ‘I’m too good for you’
frown to mask the pain I was warring inside. What is it about me that is so
repulsive, I wouldn’t say I'm ugly?...I mean I got my hair done the other day
but it doesn’t change me ? Does it? I'm pretty womanly if you ask me and I’m fun
to be around if I can say so myself...so what is it? What is the issue? Why
won’t they stay? Why won’t they love me like I love them?
What is he
looking at? I was standing in Zara looking for a new dress for my mum’s
surprise birthday meal and I met his eye, when I say met his eye I caught his
staring at me, well not into my eyes if I must say, I followed his eyes and it
met my chest! Great! Another peeping Tom, I stared back so he could meet my eye
and at least feel embarrassed but he continues and only stops when what seems
to be his woman taps his shoulder to hold her bag while she tries to size up
this pretty nice pleated top against her.....small girl she was, huge eyes,
looked like someone who would be talkative, gossip prone anyway I left Zara
empty handed and made my way back to car I could shop tomorrow after Uni or
something.
Why is it
that when you are single it seems like everyone else in love, and to be honest
it makes you feel slightly sick, why they got to be so happy? He doesn’t even
drive a nice car? Why do they kiss and hold hands and smile and breathe! Well
you catch my drift, I’m not jealous because I’m not the jealous type, I just
feel like nobody is on my wagon when it’s time to be single that’s all.
Do you know
something I hate? Is when someone takes forever to reverse park especially when
I need to get across to the other side and their heap of junk is blocking my
way! Like turn the wheel...step on it1 you have more than enough room to just
go back without you coming back and forth about umpteen times. She had her hand
on the back of his head and they were talking about something that was
obviously funny, she kept laughing and then doing that thing were you look at
them with admiration beyond comphrehsion and he did the same, she kept throwing
her head back in streams of laughter as he tried to park right next to where I
had parked. I stood there waiting for him to be quick. I thought guys were
better drivers than women anyway. They had the H factor that gleam of
happiness had been splashed on them. He had nice trainers and she had a nice
bag, he held out his hand and she reached back. They looked so normal like
being happy in love is normal. I got in my car and pulled away.
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