The Mind Of A Female

If you do not breathe through writing, if you do not cry out in writing, or sing in writing, then don't write, because our culture has no use for it.

Anais Nin

Every know and again i enjoy writing short stories, poems etc! I'm a bit of a nerd when it comes down to it, I love hiding myself behind a book and getting my read on!

This one is an extract from something I wrote a long time ago and I just came across it whilst digging through my lappy!

The silence of being alone can be deafening, thoughts gain access to the volume knob of my mind and day by day the decibel increases, the sounds constantly ringing in my head. I learnt to perfect my smile; I learnt to perfect my ‘I’m too good for you’ frown to mask the pain I was warring inside. What is it about me that is so repulsive, I wouldn’t say I'm ugly?...I mean I got my hair done the other day but it doesn’t change me ? Does it? I'm pretty womanly if you ask me and I’m fun to be around if I can say so myself...so what is it? What is the issue? Why won’t they stay? Why won’t they love me like I love them?

What is he looking at? I was standing in Zara looking for a new dress for my mum’s surprise birthday meal and I met his eye, when I say met his eye I caught his staring at me, well not into my eyes if I must say, I followed his eyes and it met my chest! Great! Another peeping Tom, I stared back so he could meet my eye and at least feel embarrassed but he continues and only stops when what seems to be his woman taps his shoulder to hold her bag while she tries to size up this pretty nice pleated top against her.....small girl she was, huge eyes, looked like someone who would be talkative, gossip prone anyway I left Zara empty handed and made my way back to car I could shop tomorrow after Uni or something.

Why is it that when you are single it seems like everyone else in love, and to be honest it makes you feel slightly sick, why they got to be so happy? He doesn’t even drive a nice car? Why do they kiss and hold hands and smile and breathe! Well you catch my drift, I’m not jealous because I’m not the jealous type, I just feel like nobody is on my wagon when it’s time to be single that’s all.

Do you know something I hate? Is when someone takes forever to reverse park especially when I need to get across to the other side and their heap of junk is blocking my way! Like turn the wheel...step on it1 you have more than enough room to just go back without you coming back and forth about umpteen times. She had her hand on the back of his head and they were talking about something that was obviously funny, she kept laughing and then doing that thing were you look at them with admiration beyond comphrehsion and he did the same, she kept throwing her head back in streams of laughter as he tried to park right next to where I had parked. I stood there waiting for him to be quick. I thought guys were better drivers than women anyway. They had the H factor that gleam of happiness had been splashed on them. He had nice trainers and she had a nice bag, he held out his hand and she reached back. They looked so normal like being happy in love is normal. I got in my car and pulled away.

Make sure you let me know what you think....if you like it ill post some more :)

'Fall Back Friday' Lady

Not my own photography - Mexxie4eva

You should know what I mean by that, the lady who takes everything on the chin and then backs his behaviour up by convincing herself that ‘he doesn't mean to be like that’..’i know he cares about me’...’he loves me, he does, he took me to Nandos once’.

Reality Check Time

I hate to be the Debby Downer but you need to realise that ‘you will only get treated the way you allow people to treat you’.. Now obviously some of us females find ourselves in a position whereabouts the guy didn't show any signs that you weren't as important as he made you feel. They initially treat you special, and then the cracks in the wall start to show.

It’s one of the biggest and hardest forms of heartbreak in any kind of relationship! To know you invested so much into someone and yet that just wasn’t enough for them to be who you thought they was or should I say who you wanted them to be.

He has to be emotionally available to you otherwise it’s a waste of time, I know some people love to go with the flow but if he isn’t showing signs of interest in your heart it’s time to kick him to the curb. Your heart has no time to waste.

You as a woman have to know what you can accept and what you can’t! 

SET STANDARDS FOR YOURSELF AND STICK TO THEM!

It takes experience to know that it isn’t as simple as it has been put, the vast majority of woman I know would have a huge list of ‘dos’ and ‘don’ts’ yet when it comes down to the actuality of it they fly out of the window without their knowledge. I know a lot of us think we wouldn't stand for certain things and then we get into a situation and before we know it we become a woman against our very own word. It the art of manipulation, some guys know how to turn on the ‘perfect guy’ act, saying things and talking in a manner that make you think they are the man of your dreams. Now it is a big shame for the good guy who genuinely is who he says but we all know there are too many wolves in sheep skin out here. We need to be vigilant.

Having your heart broken once is bad enough yet alone having it repeat, we all deserve someone to love and care for us like we need but some of us kiss many frogs along that journey.

Don’t get me wrong though some men do change but the flip side is some don’t and if certain repeated behaviour is being forgiven, one has to be willing to take the risk of it reoccurring.

My ultimate advice is do not give up on true love and don’t look at all guys out there as crooks because I know some guys have been hurt too. I can’t sit here and say there are ’10 ultimate signs that he isn’t phoney’ because they come in different shapes and sizes nowadays but I will say ‘communicate how you feel’ if you feel neglected or like he isn’t pulling his weight, his response to your complaint should give you the ultimate answer. DO NOT SUFFER IN SILENCE and expect him to read your mind. In some men’s defence they just don’t know how to communicate well with woman and some ladies expect them to automatically know what’s up.

Let him know your value and appreciate him too, not all guys will treat you like a 'fallback' chick or mess around but don’t settle because you think it’s going to get better.

Remember it is better to be alone than to be alone in a relationship!

Hope that post will be of some help or at least a boost for someone - I will be posting up a video explaining a bit more about myself and what I intend to do within my blog and on Youtube :)

Have a lovely day!