Self esteem issues are real! In fact they are more real now, than
they have ever been! Living in a society obsessed by Image! Image! Image!, a
society where the world is at the tip of our fingers and we are being fed so much information, a society that set the
standards for how to live and what to place value on, many people find them
self lost and don’t know if being themselves is enough.
The big beaming smile, the overly enthusiastic laugh, the
second look at his mobile phone screen when it goes off, the tears at night,
the disgusted look at the image that faces you in the mirror, the constant need
to criticise others.
Low self esteem has no particular ‘symptom list’ you could
be the nicest person or appear as an unpleasant person, you could appear to
ooze confidence or wear low self esteem on your forehead! Sometimes it is
obvious, other times its not!
Society Lies
Being a young woman I understand the pressures to just be
accepted and to try to fit in! Society has moulded figures that we must emulate
physically, they have taken the display of physical attributes as being ‘sexy’
and worship those who feel the need to flaunt themselves in a distasteful way. They
have set standards by not setting them! We now second guess our bum sizes our
chest sizes and the size of our gut and as a result implants and augmentation
has become a common thing!
Daddy Issues
Many issues of low self esteem do stem from early years, so
the role that your father plays or doesn't play, has an impact on you view
yourself. Fathers hold the key to unlock the ‘princess mode’ inside you, they
are meant to act as your first love, shower you with care, elevate you as a
young female and even through their interaction with your mother and other
females, they indirectly set the bar up for what is acceptable to treat a
female like and what isn't. Unfortunately many men weren't/aren't emotionally
available, whether they walked away from the start, were in and out of your
life or where physically there but didn't play their role as they ought to,
they dropped the baton at the beginning of the race. Now it is easy to sit on
that theory and forever play the blame game but it isn't their entire fault
sometimes, it can just be a vicious and deadly cycle! If they hadn't been
taught how to or if they haven’t had it demonstrated to them in their own
childhood, how would they know! Don’t get it twisted though, even with the care
and love of a father; we are all susceptible to having low self esteem
especially when the words being told to you at home are not reinforced in
society. Its a heartbreaking thing regardless, because then what happens is the
media, music videos, playground bullies start to gain ground on how a female
chooses to view herself, she starts accepting the lies being fed to her, that
she is to be objectified, that she is too fat, that her lips aren't plump
enough, that her nose is too big, that she is too short, that she is too tall,
that she isn't the right colour, that her hair isn't long enough, that her
clothes aren't fashionable enough, that her eyes are too big, that her caring
nature will never be highlighted or celebrated, that her nurturing side makes
her weak, that her very soul isn't beautiful enough. Sad!
I used to believe their lies
I had to pause writing this, just thinking through some of
the lies I accepted as truths when I was a young girl really breaks my heart.
Thinking back on words uttered by immature children that played repeatedly in
my head and shaped some of how I viewed myself, and I look back at that little
girl and want to give her a big hug, I want to let her know she is beautiful,
kind and caring the way she is and wish I could protect her from all those
voices she allowed to infiltrate her soul!
These thoughts, ideas, the voices of every person that every
made you feel insufficient then starts to surface in your life as you grow,
especially when you are oblivious to the fact that you aren't secure. Some
females over compensate and feel the need to mould themselves into a figure
acceptable for every man and woman going, they are the ones that over laugh, cut
and paste their bodies as they feel and then cry at night because that hole,
that feeling won’t go away no matter how much they try to suppress it, no
matter how many compliments they get, no matter how many likes are visible on
their Instagram posts, no matter what, it’s like a trying to hide fish in a
designer handbag. It will start to smell. No matter how nice the bag look, it
will start to accept how you view it, hold it, present it. Other females wear insecurity
like a work badge, they struggle with it and it can lead to anxiety, depression
etc, just getting up in the morning for them is the biggest battle of life and
although they have good days, days when the pain is a bit lighter, it all
eventually hits them and the battle commences.
Relationships
Relationships are often affected greatly and I found with
observation and from experience that the kind of men you pick, the manner of
behaviour you accept, the way you justify things, all highlight the value you
place upon yourself. This is why I love talking about ‘setting the standard and
living the standard’ and because you don’t think much of yourself and you don’t
value yourself, you run into these situations and you stay there because their
behaviour towards you, their nonchalance, their verbal/physical abuse, their
emotional blackmail indirectly reconfirms the way you treat and view yourself and
it doesn't get better it gets worse! The selection of men you choice to
entertain, doesn't get better it gets worse and when you meet someone decent,
someone good, someone who values you. Guess what. You can’t. You can’t deal
with it, you don’t understand, you can’t comprehend, ‘it can’t be true’, ‘there
must be a catch’.
Breaking the cycle and learning to rebuild
There are so many things, so many situations I could draw
upon and this post is as insightful for me as it could be for anyone else. We
have to start rebuilding the value we place on ourselves; we have to start
redefining what we choose to accept as the truth. Some of you have daughters,
sister, and they will look up to you for guidance on how to deal with certain
situations and if you can’t be that anchor for that female, if you can’t set
the pace then the cycle continues. If you keep allowing that guy to come around
and disrespect you, if you can’t embrace your figure and carry yourself in a
classy yet stylish manner without being repulsive then the cycle continues.
Even the boys around you, the sons, brothers, the men in your life need to see
that you represent a strong woman to the fullest and you have the power to aid
in redefining what us a woman accept and what we don’t.
But we all know that dealing and battling with low self
esteem isn't something that can be fixed with the wave of a wand, it takes time
but most importantly it takes us accepting our emotional and mental state. It
takes us putting our hands up at situations we have allowed to have an impact
on us direct or indirectly, intentionally or unintentionally and saying enough
is enough.
Getting to a better place
What I would suggest as steps forward to getting to a better
place may seem a bit strange, but when I was dealing with it, it worked for me
and I really hope and pray they can work for you.
Look at yourself
in the mirror
This was very hard for me, not because I don’t normally look
myself in the mirror on a daily basis but because I took a step to use my
reflection to take a deeper look. I cried. I cried because I allowed every
insecure thought to surface, I cried because I could hear the voices of school
kids that may have indirectly said one thing or another to me, I cried at
situations that left me feeling so broken and so upset....I allowed myself to
cry. I gave myself the allowance to really listen and visualise it and then I
started to forgive myself and those that may have intentionally or unintentionally
contribute to the way I felt.
I find that looking at your reflection brings out something in
you that only you can see, a level of vulnerability that is personal to you.
This helps and if you have to do it a million times then do it!
Put pen to paper
This method or step may not be for everyone but again I have
found it useful. List down every lie you have been told, and when I say lie I
mean things people may have said to you, about you that have been hurtful and
damaging, write down the situations and what they made you feel like. After
this start to list the opposite, if you had felt or feel worthless then write
in bold letters ‘I AM VALUABLE’, ‘I AM BEAUTIFUL’, ‘MY KIND HEART, MY NURTURING
SPIRIT ISN'T A WEAKNESS, IT IS A STRENGTH’. Stick it up in your room, preferably
somewhere you can see it every day and read it all the time. Self affirmation
is such a useful thing to do especially when you can vocalise it for yourself.
Confront
Now when I say confront I don’t mean start arguments all
around the place! However there may be situations that you are in now,
relationship wise, with parents, siblings, friendships that have taken there
toll on you and whilst all of you are alive, it can be helpful to deal with it.
Talk to them, express how you feel, if you can’t do a face to face, write a
letter and remember don’t make it an attack, let them know that this how ‘you
feel’ not how they have intended to make you feel and depending on the dynamics
of the relationship you need to let them know if you are going to continue to
stand for it or whether change is required!
These are just three steps out of a million. For me my faith
really pulled me through, I was able to deal with a lot of things head on and
the journey wasn't lonely. I know everyone is different and people have their
own views on everything but we share one common thing and that being human.
We all cry, laugh, get angry and get sad. It’s just part of
our nature and it is important especially for females to feel that sense of
self love because we are so powerful in our own respects and the love we are
capable of bearing is second to none!
Let’s take the step to help redefine the standards that have
been set. Let’s deal with the issues that hold us back from being great! Let’s start to set the pace for those
coming behind us! Let’s be honest with ourselves! Let’s be caring! Let’s not
see our kind natures as weakness! Let’s not see our bodies as only a means of objectification
but let’s embrace our uniqueness and celebrate the diversity within womanhood!
It all starts now! Say no to low self esteem and start to
take more control over your life!
