I was having some lunch the other day and being the super alert, all hearing person I am, I
could hear the conversation the women next to me were having. Let me just set
the scene for you guys, so 4 women, all mid 20s I would say, couple prams,
couple shopping bags, looked like the usual mid week link up. Now one of the
ladies was complaining about her sons father, she was saying he ‘doesn’t pull his weight’, ‘everything is on me’ ‘Jaden* hardly gets to
see his Dad’ etc, the other girls came with the usually female condolence statements
like ‘don’t worry about it’, ‘at least Jaden has you’, ‘when it comes down
to it, Jaden will grow up and see his father for who he is’ etc. Now one of
the Ladies added at the end of the rant ‘Nick*
has always been a waste man though, and you know it Leah*, he has not got a
serious bone in his body, never has had one and never will’ and the women
steadily replied ‘I know’ and sighed then the conversation moved on.
Pause.
I literally paused
for more than a second.
Then i started to
think.
(As you do.)
Immediately i began to think about some single mums I know
and others that I have come across or have heard of that are in these
predicaments or similar. (You know the whole bad daddy thing and mum left to
pick up the pieces scenario.)
There just seems to be a pattern in the kind of guys some of
these women go for. I’m talking about those guys that from day 1 are nonchalant
about life, sleep around, not consistent in the relationship, seek physical before
any emotional, guys that don’t value you but rather use you to fill up
time....then women complain and say things like....
Jerome isn’t pulling his weight, he doesn’t make enough time to see
him, he doesn’t love me anymore, we argue a lot, there is another woman on the
scene etc and it dawned on me. At some point there was a choice, an
informed decision that was made and that decision was:
‘ALTHOUGH THIS MAN IS NOT FIT ENOUGH TO BE A FATHER I WILL LAY WITH
HIM, GIVE BIRTH TO OUR CHILD AND I WILL PICK UP THE PIECES WHEN IT ALL CRUMBLES’,
because from day 1 he has not showed me any signs to make me believe he could
be a real father.
Digest.
At what point did his ‘wastemanness’
come to light to you?, before you got
physical?, After?, During? When? because the matter of fact is many women know who they are
laying themselves down for, its just many seem to convince themselves that he
will somehow ‘change’ or learn to change
for them or for their ‘situation’ or for their child.
Newsflash 1 – You are no different to the other women that took his
rubbish all the other times before and I am not saying he doesn’t have the
power to change, what I am saying is that unless the divine hand of God
transforms his life, you need to be prepared for him to remain the same.
Newsflash 2 - He knows that there are many women out there that are
prepared to put up with what his has to offer, what you have to do is decide if
that woman is you.
You now have the child and things are not different. At some
point an informed decision was made that this man is good enough not only to
get physical with me but to become the father of my child. Now you feel
helpless and you will do anything especially if you are now deeply in love,
anything to keep him sweet, anything to spark up the ‘fake’ emotional
connection that you had. I hate to sound so harsh but when a man loves you,
when a man sincerely wants you for you and nothing else, it is very obvious in
both his interactions and his communication with you. This is why I use the
term ‘fake ‘connection because if his compliments, strokes of your face, late
night calls or his ‘xxx’ at the end of his messages to you are the sole cement
for you thinking he is what he says he is, then you have fallen for his trap
and you must carry your cross for doing so.
Many women will now cuss and abuse their children’s father
in front of the child, to their own parents, to their cat, to their dog, to
their friends painting this picture of man who failed to take up his responsibility
but never seem to acknowledge the fact that at one point an informed decision
was made. The matter of fact is you knew who you were dealing with from the get
go! The part of the story where you forgot you was a queen and allowed a rouge
to get the better part of you is often left out.
NEVER EVER ASSUME SOMEBODY WILL CHANGE BECAUSE OF YOU OR BECAUSE A
CHILD
This again goes back to my point of ‘setting standards and
living out the standards you set. You cannot huff and puff when things aren’t
what you thought they would be. All the
signs were in front of you at the get go and you must be strong enough to take responsibility
for your part in the unfortunate situation which is due to your lack of ability
to be reasonable and assess the nature and character of this man earlier on. It
is due to you putting this ‘love blind’ feeling first and because of this you
have a situation in your hands, a situation which can go either way, it can get
better if the man chooses to change or it could just stay the same. It could go
either way.
My point is at some point in your life you will need to stop
playing the blame game. Obviously my view on this isn’t applicable to everyone
and there are some people who genuinely are deceived by someone they care about
and were once in love with. However at the same time there are thousands of
women who know from the start the kind of guy they are getting themselves
involved with and at the back of their mind all the cards are laid out face
forward they just choose to turn them over and hope magic takes its place. Many
of you chose your ‘baby daddy’, many of you gave him that status , that privilege
and you knew that he wasn’t fit enough to be the man you or your child would
need. It’s a very harsh reality to come to terms with and these issues stem
from many things, daddy issues, insecurities, fear of being alone etc. It is
sad because there are many men who would be great fathers and great men for
women but the bad ones seem to get to golden pass.
In life it’s very important to be able to assess situations thoroughly
putting aside emotions, and learning to be critical with one’s self. Stop
moaning, it is done, child is here and the one thing that child needs is your
undivided love and care. If the guy doesn’t want to pull his weight, there isn’t
much you can do to change that, and the future will take its own cause on him.
I’m not saying it’s acceptable to be dead beat but he knows
no better – it’s like asking a horse to ride a bike and your child isn’t an
experiment for him to be diving and out of their life. It is really sad because
children need their parents – BOTH PARENTS
and whether or not you like the Dad or not if he is willing to be present and
do well by the child you are obliged to let him do so (as long as he poses no
risk to the child don’t use your child as a weapon against him).
As women we need to get a grip with our value. It is becoming
more and more of an issue nowadays, people comparing their lives to others ‘happily
ever after’ and woman having these ‘relationship goal’ pictures to make
references to whilst they cry a river and stuff their face with chocolate bars.
The change starts with you and starts with you adjusting your mindset. If you
already have a child and you are not with the child’s father then take the necessary
steps to assure history doesn't repeat itself. Let your standards be known from
the get go; don’t be scared of sounding too serious because you will only be
handled the way you care yourself.
When you buy something and its fragile it
will be written in bold on the box FRAGILE HANDLE WITH CARE, they don’t put the
sign inside the box because that makes the instruction useless, it’s essential
to know before so that it can be handled accordingly.
If you are a woman that is yet to have a child but find
yourself in a limbo situation with a worthless goat please hand in your
resignation asap, come to terms with your value and stop settling for less
especially whilst their isn't a child in the mix.
So life will always be
life and we will get it wrong sometimes but do yourself a favour get your
priorities straight and stand for no nonsense. Make sure you focus on being the
best you can be for that child.
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